Been reflecting while combing through recipes for the holidays ~ I have reached the age where most of my life is behind me. Consequently, missing most of the people that were in my life and the traditions that ran through like a thread in woven fabric. Now, everything is moving like cyberspace; although, I noticed today that emails have gotten very slow in coming to one’s mailbox online. It would seem everything is texting and so few of my friends text but I do manage a few. I like texting as my hearing is not what it used to be ~ like everything else in my life ~ so rather not ‘talk’ on the phone. Though it would be good to have more daily human contact whether on the phone or in person. In person? What a novelty!
After ‘napping’ ~ not really, doggie wouldn’t let me sleep despite the cold cloudy day ~ My mind was racing about thoughts of Christmas past ~ much like Dickens in A Christmas Carol ~ I saw scenes from my life and felt the loving feelings that surrounded me yet it all seem to go by so fast. Arriving at this point in my life with very few of those people alive on this planet. I could see how Scrooge evolved into the lonely old miser. I am not a miser but I do get lonely at times and nostalgic and now is one of those times. I hardly feel, at times, that I belong on this planet. Anything trendy does not attract me, I am feeling very old physically and dealing with chronic pain and over all not long for this earth. Yet, I must outlive my little yorkie who has been my companion for 12 years now. I don’t want her to have to start over with some unknown owner. My small family is too busy to take on a little dog who loves her walks and attention regularly. So I must keep going for her.
Back to tradition ~ We seem to have lost something with each generation passing. Everything now is electronic, speed, and leaves me with a very empty feeling. There are few people left in my life to share any of those traditions. How the hell did this happen???
I am alone and for the most part I can handle my life that way. Right now though, I have no one to whom I could share my feelings so I am ‘reflecting on my blog’ where one can choose to read this or not. Thus, I don’t have to pretend a ‘jolly’ persona about the season. I don’t feel joyful about time at the moment. I feel I need to ‘let all these feelings out’ and stop the pain ~ emotional anyway, at least.’ I miss all those loving people that gave of themselves and made my Christmases so wonderful. I miss the giving and sharing love with them ~ It was not perfect ~ no one is perfect ~ It was loving. Grateful.
Bah, Humbug ~ sometimes it is just that way. ~ the ‘good, bad and the ugly.’ ~ Tis life.